The Bottom Three don't mean a thing

OMG, wow, amazing, I can’t believe what a completely awesome results show we had last night! It was so entirely mind-blowing, like the one part where- wait, what? You didn’t watch the results show? You were too busy with, like, your life to tune into an hour of Coke, Ford and “The Soloist” commercials and, oh yeah, someone getting kicked off? You depend solely on my pithy, witty, brilliant recaps to fill you in on the greatest show on television? Huh. In that case, WOW, I can’t believe you missed the Idols doing perfect four part harmonies while ballroom dancing, an actually hilarious Ford commercial, Simon and Ryan hugging and making up after all these years of bickering, and Adam Lambert being in the bottom two. I’m just so shocked that you missed such a marvelous and heart-stopping show last night…

What? You DID watch the show, or read a similarly hilarious recapping website, and most of those things didn’t happen? Well, uhh, okay here’s the deal: I was babysitting last night. For a screaming and clinging child. The more observant readers will note that I have pictures of puppies, not babies, at my desk. This particular baby could sense that I had Very Important Plans at 9 o’clock and tried everything in his arsenal to keep me from paying attention. I thankfully missed the Ford commercial- something with a desert? And a car. There was definitely a car. The baby calmed down JUST in time for Natalie Cole, Taylor Hicks, and Jamie Foxx’s performances. Well played, baby. Well played.

Here’s what I did manage to catch: Ryan obligatorily asks the judges what they think of the competition so far. Simon says it’s the “most wide open competition” ever. Really? Even back when Chris Daughtry was up against Elliott Yamin, Katherine McPhee, Taylor Hicks and that other girl? That seems like a pretty strong bunch right there.

Moving on. Again, the Ford commercial: cars, dancing, a song…Then perhaps the greatest Group Sing EVER. The Idols sing a medley of “It Don’t Mean a Thing” and “I Got Rhythm.” It’s great because: 1. They are actually singing. 2. In tune. 3. Together. and 4. They sound good. It’s a miracle!

Next, there’s some joke about Danny throwing cake batter around and Ryan giving him a “birthday present” for a $6000 maid bill. Is this a euphemism for some other “birthday present” involving a “maid,” Ryan? Because if not, I don’t get it.

Dim the lights….let’s bring out the Idols for the elimination. Ryan calls Matt up first, sends him to the left side, towards the Spinny Stools of the Bottom Three. He puts Danny and Allison on the right side of the stage. Ryan brings up Kris, and the crowd goes wild! But Ryan puts him over with Matt….? Strange. Surely, he’s safe. Right?!?!? Then Ryan brings up Glambert. Ryan asks Adam to pick a side- the clearly better pairing of Allison/Danny, or the only half amazing pair of Kris/Matt.

Way to be a D-bag, Ryan. Adam knows he can’t win here- side with the better group of the two, and he looks like a D-bag, too. But there’s no way he’s with the latter pairing, with Clearly-Going-Home-Matt. Or is he? HE IS. Hold on to your hats, America! Adam is in the Bottom Three. More importantly, to me at least, SO IS KRIS.

America, we need to talk. You’ve saved Allison this week- good on ya! Way to get your head out of your butt. But at the expense of Kris? And, dare I say it, Adam? I don’t even know you anymore, America!

At this point, we are only 20 minutes into the show, so I will spare you the details on the next half hour:
-Natalie Cole needs to eat a sandwich. She is also approximately three feet taller than Ryan.
-Taylor Hicks stopped eating sandwiches, but did not stop that unfortunate dancing of his. Remember when his antics were twee and charming? Me neither.
-Jamie Foxx stole Kanye West’s vocoder and thus “sings” his “number one hit” “song” for a mildly screaming crowd of tweenage girls. I listen to the radio quite a bit, sometimes to channels other than Radio Disney, and yet I have never heard this “song.” He also plugs his schmaltzy movie, out this weekend. Does he play a mutant superhero, out for revenge while brandishing adamantium claws? Then good luck with that!

Back to the Elimination Station- Thankfully, Ryan sends Kris back to the couches, leaving Matt vs. Adam. Gee, I wonder who will go home. And that’s all she wrote for Matt Giraud, back from the brink of elimination two weeks ago thanks to the first ever Judges’ Save. Til we meet again, JT, Jr.!

Out: Matt Giraud/Kim Mezger
Still In it to Win it: Adam (Ryan S.), Allison (Ashley), Kris (Val), Danny (Kelly)

Next week: Slash???