Week Six: Are you read for Movie Night, America?

Because Ryan is! He tells us that girls talk too much and that’s why the show ran over last week, so instead, this week, only two judges can critique any one contestant. Oh, Ryan! Stop macking on the contestants (he later asks Anoop if he sang the song to a special someone…you know Ryan wants to be that special someone!) and the show would be half as long.

And now onto the theme….A Night at The Movies. It’s like Prom! Except with creepy Quentin Tarantino. Taking a page from Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers: Really, American Idol, really? Because when I think “movie theme music,” I definitely think Quentin Tarantino. Forget John Williams, Randy Newman, Alan Menken, Diane Warren, anyone with a song on tonight’s show, or anyone who can actually sing. Bonus moment: Combover much?

First up, Allison Iraheta singing Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” from Armageddon. This is one of my least favorite songs ever but I thought she did a’ight. Paula compared her to Adam’s special sauce (barbeque!) and Simon says she’s the girls’ only hope to win this thing. Sorry Lil!

I had the same reaction Randy did to Anoop Dogg singing “Everything I Do (I Do It For You) (yeah, I know the parenthetical title!).” I am not ashamed to admit I know this song by heart and have loved it since seventh grade, so when I heard Anoop was going to try to match soulful singer/guitarist/rocker/Canadian Bryan Adams’ performance, I thought, “NO WAY!” But he worked it out! Randy began to say that Anoop Made It His Own™ but stopped just short.
Made It Your Own™ tally: .5

Stage lights? Check. Tight pants? Check. Guy liner? Check. Must be Adam Lambert! He camps up “Born to Be Wild” from Easy Rider, and Simon compares it to Rocky Horror Picture Show. Which? WOULD BE AWESOME. Here’s the thing though, dawg, I would have really liked to see Adam take a non-campified song like “Everything I Do” and mix it up. Anyone could take “Born to Be Wild,” throw on some leather pants, flash the stage lights around, stick their tongue out, and dazzle Simon (not that the other milquetoast contestants on this show have the cajones to do that, but I digress…). But I want to see Adam really Make It His Own™!

The teaser for After The Break shows Matt Giraud standing down in the Mosh Pit of the crowd, also known as You Will Be in the Bottom Three if You Sing From Here Pit. But wait! He instead plays the piano for another Bryan Adams song, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman.” It starts out awesome, and I’m like, ooooh, I likee! But then the band comes in and he sucks and then there’s a high note….It’s not good. I left my notes at home so I don’t know what the judges said, but I’m pretty sure Simon was making faces at Kara while she was politely telling him it sucked. See? It’s funny when only two judges talk and the one who REALLY hated it can’t say anything at all!

Go Go Gokey does a mediocre performance of “Endless Love,” and we get a Make It Your Own™ …but for someone from last season! Burn! Simon says that when David Cook did a song like that year, he made it a David Cook song, not just a pretty song. But clearly they love Danny and want him in the finals so they tell him he’s adorable without glasses, looks like he’s lost weight, and let him go on his merry way. Most of that is true.
Made It Your Own™ tally: 1.5

Be still my heart, what is Kris singing? “Falling Slowly,” an amazing but unknown ballad from the amazingly talented Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova? What, you missed it at last year’s Oscars? It’s okay, I have three versions on my iPod. Go Kris! (Full disclosure: I wish he would have done this a capella because it would have been better than the weird swell of the orchestra, but Kris can do no wrong with me.) Randy thought it was just okay, but Kara knows where it’s at and loved it. Yay!

Oh, Lil. This sucked from the minute you started singing and you knew it. You could see the tears in her over-glittered eyes as she realized she was off-key, off-tempo, and drowning in a sea of suck. Simon spared nothing in his critique of Lil- but she was having none of it. She snarked back about how she tried to make it her own (lil R&B, lil gospel, lot of suck), even though it was a (GASP) Bette Midler song. Girl….do not diss Bette. I have seen her in person (tenth row!) and she will cut you. Just sayin’.

The show runs over yet again, even with half the snark. Tomorrow night? Lil goes home, fo’ sho.