guess he's not go go going home after all

Let’s talk, America. We had a nice thing going. Sure, you kicked my girl Alexis off the show weeks before her due (while keeping Megan/Joy/Corkrey), but you’ve also kept Kris around. And I love you for that. I thought we also agreed that Allison rocked, and should be in the Finals. Allow me to elaborate: she’s started dressing like a normal human being, has become quite the pistol with Simon, and oh yeah, she can SING. (Say it together now: this is a SINGING COMPETITON). But it’s like I don’t even know you, America! Instead of sending “Go Go Home Already” Gokey home, you sent that adorable fireball Allison Iraheta home. Unacceptable. You’re dead to me, America.

Okay, you did save Kris, again, so you’ve got that going for you….but that’s it.

Which brings us back to the (still discombobulated) Idol stage for tonight’s elimination. After another cheesy Ford pimp-o-mercial, the Idols do the group sing with Slash on “School’s Out for Summer.” I missed the first few minutes, but our intrepid field reporter, Laura’s Dad, had this to say: “Glambert screaming. Gokey shouting. Ryan told Slash he “made it his own” with the mentoring. MIYO: 1.” I take it that by Made It His Own™, Ryan actually meant “showed up slightly more sober than Paula.” Oh, Paula.

Ryan takes a moment to discuss with the Final Four- what are they feeling? How are they holding up? Did they watch the replay of Danny’s Psycho-esque scream? Danny admits that when he watched the show back maybe, just maybe, the last note wasn’t as strong as he had thought. Maybe? Danny, people have made ringtones out of that scream! Speaking of, how do I get that on my phone? Must have now!

Time for another historic event. She’s been a judge for eight seasons, but never before has Paula Abdul performed on the Idol stage. Let’s take a moment and consider just how lucky we’ve been, because this “performance”…it’s a train wreck. My inside sources (i.e. The EW Popwatch Blog) say that the show was taped Tuesday night after the Rock Night performances. The lack of energy from the now-half-full audience is palpable, and no amount of lip synching, twirling, and hot backup dancers can overcome this deficit. Sadly, Paula comes off like a 2007-era-Britney Spears- except she’s (kinda) wearing pants.
Oh, Paula! moments: five minutes’ worth

Next up, another pre-recorded performance of No Doubt. Remember when No Doubt came onto the scene and was totally punk/ska/OMG-I-can’t-believe-a-girl-is acting-like-that-on-stage? Yeah, that was like fifteen years ago. I know, because my mom had to drive me to that concert. I’m so old. So is Gwen, because she is crazy out of breath after sprinting around the stage and even doing some pushups. Also, one of her bandmates is in a tutu. Bold move, sir.

We finally get to the point of tonight’s show- Ryan points out the Spinny Stools of Doom have been smartly moved to the side of the stage not beneath the AI sign that might fall any minute. They are now to be known as the “Spinny Stools of Safety” and the first to sit down is….KRIS! Wahooo! He is freaking blindsided by this revelation, as he clearly thought he was a goner. But, as Ryan reminds us, one of the most successful Idols ever went home on this very night…Chris Daughtry! He’s back to perform a new song off his album, and it’s pretty great. His songs kind of all sound the same, but he’s humble, very polite, and polished (his performance AND his head).

Back to the Elimination Station….Adam is safe! Not too shocking. But then… (record scratch) Allison is going home? Again, America. We’ve had this conversation like five weeks in a row, and I thought you’d finally gotten it. Danny sounded like something out of a Wes Craven movie, while Allison, well she’s a ROCK STAR and this is a SINGING COMPETITION. She’s shocked; the judges are shocked; I’m shocked.

Ryan shows Allison’s Going Home video clip, and awww, our little girl is all growed up! She’s in tears, but then gives a performance of “Cry Baby” that was miles better than anything she did last night, and I can’t believe you sent her home, America! Conspicuously absent were any comments from the judges on America’s (poor) choice- usually Ryan asks if America made a mistake tonight (they did), is the right/wrong person going home (no/yes), etc. Commence conspiracy theories….now!

Spinny Stools of Safety: Adam (Ryan S.), Kris (Val), Danny (Kelly)
Out: Allison (Ashley)
Oh Paula! Moments: too many to count

Next week: Judge’s choice and the hometown visit