Go Go Going Home Gokey

We open on-hey! That's not the stage! That's just the desk, which is going into the Smithsonian next to Lincoln’s top hat, Thomas Jefferson’s desk and other highly important American artifacts. What a crazy coinkydink that Ben Stiller & Co. have a movie coming out that's set at the Smithsonian. It's not enough that we have the Ford pimp-o-mercial during the show, we now have this too? Bill Hader does do a pretty spot-on "ba-da ba-da ba-da daaaaa" opening notes to the AI theme song, so I'll give him a pass. Frank Azaria gets no such mercy for appearing in this. 

We finally make it to the Idol Arena, where Kara is sporting one of those Hair Bumps they sell on late-night TV, Paula is in all formal wear, and Simon is...still in a T-shirt.

The Pimp-o-mercial is increasingly awkward, as there are only three contestants left to shill the car. It is half animated, and has something to do with...superpowers? Danny is Super White Boy Dancing Man and uses his embarrassing dance moves to clear the street so they can....drive away? Lame.

We are spared a group sing number, and instead Alicia Keyes introduces us to the cutest little kid ever (what did I say about the cute kid quotient on this show? Off the charts!). Noah is from Keep a Child Alive and wants to help kids affected by AIDS in Africa. He learned this song in English in a week. Someone get this kid a record deal! He is working the stage, dancing around; even the backup dancers are having a great time. Danny could learn a few dance tips from this kid! Heck, Adam could learn a few things from this kid!

Ryan brings Danny up on stage first- I was so worried he was safe, because it was pretty early in the show to send one of the three to safety. Rest assured, Ryan is not sending Danny, or anyone else, to safety at this point. We first have to see each's hometown visit recap package, hear the judges' comments, and then Ryan will send them back to the Couches of Possible Safety. The Spinny Stools of Doom have been retired for the season, apparently.

Danny: Goes home to Milwaukee. We don't see his huge family, for some weird reason, but we do see BFF Jamar, with whom Danny auditioned at the beginning of the season. We get the first mention of his dead wife ("from tragedy to triumph") in several weeks. He should have brought her up yesterday to garner some sympathy votes. Too little, too late, Danny! He goes around Milwaukee, performing for his fans, although we don't see him flubbing the words to "Billie Jean." Is it still a singing competition if you forget the lyrics? The tween girls don't care, especially one who chases after him as his limo pulls away. She is wearing- I am not kidding here- a silver spangly tank top, pink feather boa, and red flannel PJ pants. I originally told Val that she was chasing after Adam, and that kind of makes sense for him. Chasing after Danny makes it all the more hilarious. I have scoured the internets in vain for a picture, but trust me, it was amazing.

Kris: Goes home to Conway, AR. He gets free cheese dip for life at his favorite local restaurant. This would be reason enough for me to try out for American Idol. Kris seems like a regular guy during his trip home- he keeps trying to jump into the mosh pit at his concert, slap the fans hands, etc. but the security guys keep dragging me...I mean, him, away. We get to see Kris' family, though we don't see Danny's or Adam's. Kris' dad gives him the most hugest bear hug you have ever seen, and Kris tells his mom (in a cute Southern accent), "Don't cry, Momma." Whose heart hasn't melted yet? All together now: Awwwwww.

Adam: Goes all the way home to San Diego. Ryan teases us with the image of someone streaking to the stage while Adam performs on stage. Except it's a high school girl rushing the podium in a bra and skirt. Not really what you'd call a streaker. Also? Has she not googled Adam images? He is not impressed, honey. The best part of Adam's video package is all the crazy Californian people trying to get his autograph. Besides the tween girls (have they not learned Google yet either?), there's this old dude trying to get Adam to sign his white polo shirt. Then there's an old woman peering into the windows of Adam's limo as he pulls away. Why are people so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs here?

Former Idol winner Jordin Sparks comes on stage, looking much older than her, what, 20 years? She's channeling Beyonce tonight- the hair extensions, the head toss, the big belting notes. Seriously, throw in some backup dancers in leotards and tights, and you'll see what I mean.

Also on deck: twee singer Katy Perry. She takes the stage in a- again, not kidding here, folks- Elvis Presley leotard and cape combo. Better still, the cape has "Adam Lambert" in sequins on the back. She's not on Team Kris? Color me surprised. This costume stuff is getting out of hand. May I suggest Go Fug Yourself: Katy Perry Edition for the full canon of her outfits? This Elvis get-up is pretty tame for- OMG! They just showed a shot of her running up to the judges' desk and, how do I put this politely, her butt is falling out of her hotpants.  She's a super skinny girl, but this shot is flattering to no one. Holy carp! Now she's putting that thing on the judges' desk. What you are not seeing at the break is the Fox Intern running out with Lysol to scrub it down. Someone get that girl some pants!

Okay, now that that is over, we can get down to the Elimination Station. First person into the finals is.....KRIS! He is freaking pumped. His dad is beaming, the crowd is freaking out, even Simon is smiling. Mostly because he knows Adam is still a lock for winning this competition, but still. 

Next...drumroll please, at this point it could go either way.... but it's Glambert by an eyelash!* That was not so surprising.

Aww, we'll miss Danny, right? His goodbye video shows some fine moments for once-favorite Glasses Gokey. Jamie Foxx getting all up in his grill, Randy saying more times than we can count that this is a "SINGING COMPETITION," and of course, the once-ubiquitous mentions of Danny's dear departed wife. Danny sings "You Are So Beautiful" on the way out, and I forced myself to listen to it. It's not half bad, but it's no "Heartless."

Whoa- before we cut away to the evening news, Simon says next week could be, as they say in England, a big ding dong? What does that even mean? Is that appropriate for all the children watching?

Next week: The finals! TEAM KRIS!

*My dad's contribution to this week's recap