The Bottom Three don't mean a thing

OMG, wow, amazing, I can’t believe what a completely awesome results show we had last night! It was so entirely mind-blowing, like the one part where- wait, what? You didn’t watch the results show? You were too busy with, like, your life to tune into an hour of Coke, Ford and “The Soloist” commercials and, oh yeah, someone getting kicked off? You depend solely on my pithy, witty, brilliant recaps to fill you in on the greatest show on television? Huh. In that case, WOW, I can’t believe you missed the Idols doing perfect four part harmonies while ballroom dancing, an actually hilarious Ford commercial, Simon and Ryan hugging and making up after all these years of bickering, and Adam Lambert being in the bottom two. I’m just so shocked that you missed such a marvelous and heart-stopping show last night…

What? You DID watch the show, or read a similarly hilarious recapping website, and most of those things didn’t happen? Well, uhh, okay here’s the deal: I was babysitting last night. For a screaming and clinging child. The more observant readers will note that I have pictures of puppies, not babies, at my desk. This particular baby could sense that I had Very Important Plans at 9 o’clock and tried everything in his arsenal to keep me from paying attention. I thankfully missed the Ford commercial- something with a desert? And a car. There was definitely a car. The baby calmed down JUST in time for Natalie Cole, Taylor Hicks, and Jamie Foxx’s performances. Well played, baby. Well played.

Here’s what I did manage to catch: Ryan obligatorily asks the judges what they think of the competition so far. Simon says it’s the “most wide open competition” ever. Really? Even back when Chris Daughtry was up against Elliott Yamin, Katherine McPhee, Taylor Hicks and that other girl? That seems like a pretty strong bunch right there.

Moving on. Again, the Ford commercial: cars, dancing, a song…Then perhaps the greatest Group Sing EVER. The Idols sing a medley of “It Don’t Mean a Thing” and “I Got Rhythm.” It’s great because: 1. They are actually singing. 2. In tune. 3. Together. and 4. They sound good. It’s a miracle!

Next, there’s some joke about Danny throwing cake batter around and Ryan giving him a “birthday present” for a $6000 maid bill. Is this a euphemism for some other “birthday present” involving a “maid,” Ryan? Because if not, I don’t get it.

Dim the lights….let’s bring out the Idols for the elimination. Ryan calls Matt up first, sends him to the left side, towards the Spinny Stools of the Bottom Three. He puts Danny and Allison on the right side of the stage. Ryan brings up Kris, and the crowd goes wild! But Ryan puts him over with Matt….? Strange. Surely, he’s safe. Right?!?!? Then Ryan brings up Glambert. Ryan asks Adam to pick a side- the clearly better pairing of Allison/Danny, or the only half amazing pair of Kris/Matt.

Way to be a D-bag, Ryan. Adam knows he can’t win here- side with the better group of the two, and he looks like a D-bag, too. But there’s no way he’s with the latter pairing, with Clearly-Going-Home-Matt. Or is he? HE IS. Hold on to your hats, America! Adam is in the Bottom Three. More importantly, to me at least, SO IS KRIS.

America, we need to talk. You’ve saved Allison this week- good on ya! Way to get your head out of your butt. But at the expense of Kris? And, dare I say it, Adam? I don’t even know you anymore, America!

At this point, we are only 20 minutes into the show, so I will spare you the details on the next half hour:
-Natalie Cole needs to eat a sandwich. She is also approximately three feet taller than Ryan.
-Taylor Hicks stopped eating sandwiches, but did not stop that unfortunate dancing of his. Remember when his antics were twee and charming? Me neither.
-Jamie Foxx stole Kanye West’s vocoder and thus “sings” his “number one hit” “song” for a mildly screaming crowd of tweenage girls. I listen to the radio quite a bit, sometimes to channels other than Radio Disney, and yet I have never heard this “song.” He also plugs his schmaltzy movie, out this weekend. Does he play a mutant superhero, out for revenge while brandishing adamantium claws? Then good luck with that!

Back to the Elimination Station- Thankfully, Ryan sends Kris back to the couches, leaving Matt vs. Adam. Gee, I wonder who will go home. And that’s all she wrote for Matt Giraud, back from the brink of elimination two weeks ago thanks to the first ever Judges’ Save. Til we meet again, JT, Jr.!

Out: Matt Giraud/Kim Mezger
Still In it to Win it: Adam (Ryan S.), Allison (Ashley), Kris (Val), Danny (Kelly)

Next week: Slash???

Now with more... Jamie Foxx??

Aight, dawg, when I heard this night would be mentored by Jamie Foxx, I was like, man, I don’t know if you can pull it off. Ryan can talk all day about how you "transcend the boundaries of the television industry," (really?) but this is not "Sample Hip Hop like Kanye" Night. It’s "Pretend You’re Michael Buble" Night. But, I gotta say, dawg, you worked it out! You Made It Your Own™!

So, tonight’s theme is "Standards Night with the Rat Pack," although we barely even mention the Rat Pack, except that Kris points out they are…ummm…dead. He certainly has a way with words, that Kris. Heart! The Top Five Idols come out on stage, the boys are all sporting jackets and ties (JT, Jr. is, of course, wearing his hat again), and Last Girl Standing Allison is in a formal dress. Kara and Paula are dressed in Old Hollywood glamour- the hair, the makeup, the dresses (Lee commented that Paula is wearing a gift bag, and after further review, I concur). And then there’s Simon…in a black V-neck t-shirt. Oh, Simon.

Kris is up first, unfortunately drawing the Forgettable First Spot. Kris is clearly out to win me over, as he’s singing another of my most favoritest songs EVAR, "The Way You Look Tonight," (again, I have like three versions on my iPod if you need a refresher). In his interview with Jamie Foxx, Jamie tells him he’d love to make an album with him, like right now. He also says "Golly!" which is hilarious, because Jamie Foxx is clearly not a five year old girl, nor an eighty year old man.

As for the singing, it’s not quite up to par with some of the other contestants (sorry, Kris!). Randy says he’s looking to see who’s in it to win it (shoutout Norwood!). Simon says it’s a bit wet, which, what? He then compares Kris to a cocker spaniel. He’s a wet dog? Paula says he’s transformed from the boy next door to a sophisticated gentleman, which is nothing like a wet dog, so...point Paula?

Monday was Allison’s birthday and they surprised her with a party. See, America? She’s a nice, normal teenager. She says she’s too young to have a boyfriend, but oops! She shouldn’t have said that! All together now, how cute! Now freaking vote for her!

She belts out "Someone to Watch Over Me," and everyone, including Jamie Foxx, but excepting Simon, is totally wowed. Randy thought this week would be difficult for her, and she is MAD YOUNG, but she did it in her own Pink-but-with-more-octaves style and Made It Her Own™ (MIYO: 1). Paula had an unbelievably insightful and still coherent comment, telling Allison that her performance had an innocent sensibility that was both alluring and tender. I counted at least four three-syllable words in there. Good job, Paula! Simon again tells Allison that he thinks she’s not in it to win it (Allison disagrees), and that she’s been overshadowed by some of the other personalities. Gee, you think? Could that be…ADAM?

Timberlake Jr. is singing "My Funny Valentine," and I can’t help but think of Chandler and Janice from Friends when this song plays. Anyone else? Anyone? Anyone? Matt is still sporting the hat, and is like, totally stoked for this week, man! He studied Jazz in college so he can rock this. Jamie Foxx at first has no suggestions for Matt (not even "lose the hat"??), but then changes his mind and tells him to lower the key. Paula loves this suggestion, but I thought it was too low for him. His opening notes didn’t grab me, and I was totally bored with this until the swell at the end. Simon, on the other hand, thought it was brilliant. Uhh, Simon? Were we watching the same show tonight?

Glasses Gokey is singing "Come Rain or Come Shine." Jamie gets right up in his "grill" during the rehearsal ("Don’t worry, your breath is fresh!") to make him more authentic, or something. Either way, Danny sings the song pretty straight on until the end, when he gets all shouty and bluesy, and it’s the good old Danny we know and like. Randy totally slams Paula’s previous comments to, well, just about everyone, and says to forget trying to forge an emotional connection with the audience- this is a SINGING competition and he can SING. Gee, Randy, I had totally forgotten why we tuned in for three hours a week! So that’s what we’re doing here!

Glambert gets the Pimp Spot, AGAIN. He’s singing "Feelin’ Good," but with, you know, a ROCK edge. Because he is a ROCK STAR and a PERFORMER and doesn’t care that it’s just a SINGING COMPETITION.

Adam must be slipping the lighting tech and camera guys some extra money on the side, because by far and away he gets the best effects on stage: reverse camera shots as he begins to walk down the stairs, blue lights illuminating each stair, spotlights on his guyliner. The band kicks in, in full Broadway mode, as he struts down the stairs to the opening notes. Can we just give him the shiny mirror ball recording contract now? Who on earth can beat him at this point? Not even Kris can Make It His Own™ enough to beat this guy. He is hands down kicking everyone else’s butt here.

Randy can’t get a word in edgewise because the audience is freaking out, but it’s too theatrical for him. Kara calls it "shocking, confusing, superb, sleazy, over the top craziness." You said it, girl. Paula calls it the Olympics and he’s Michael Phelps. Honey, you need your eyes checked.


(not Adam Lambert)

Simon says that he loves Randy saying that Adam is theatrical; because that’s like complaining that a cow moos. Let’s recap. Adam is: Theatrical, Sleazy, Michael Phelps, and a cow.

Going Home: Matt Giraud, if there is any justice in the world. Allison or Kris if there’s not.
MIYO™: 1
SINGING Competition: 1
Oh, Paula! moments: -(2 Coherent Comments) + 1 Gift Bag Dress = -1

Week Seven Elimination: David Archuleta, Disco Medley AND a Double Elimination

Whoa, who saw that coming? Color me surprised. I sat and watched the whole elimination show- despite the mind-numbing tediousness. Luckily I had my dad texting me every five seconds to break up the monotony.

Ryan says: Get ready for a double elimination. The Judges’ Save has already been used, so the judges had nothing to do except show up and collect a paycheck. Paula worked hard for her money- she choreographed the Group Lip Synch number for the Top 7, bell bottoms and all. I have to say, the Paula Crazy Train hasn’t really been pulling into the station this year. She seems pretty coherent (comments about shopping in the women’s department excepted) lately, with the only Oh, Paula! moments coming when she stands up, dancing wildly during the sing offs.

As for the Group Lip Synch…no one hits their lines, but the dancing isn’t half bad. Anoop is again sporting the five o’clock shadow and “disco” threads. Dad says: Anoop looked like George Michael after getting caught in a public bathroom. I say: ZING!

Dim all the lights- let’s see who is in this week’s Bottom 3. A visibly ticked off Lil Rounds is up first. Ryan tells Lil that they need her in the competition, but they also need her to walk to the other end of the stage. No messing around with a Bottom 3, she is OUT.

Time to bring back some disco singers of yore, and….wow. This is…I can’t even recap this, it’s so horrible. There’s pitchiness, a desperate need for foundation garments, and an old white guy trying to get down. The Visa commercial during the next break is better than the whole of the disco medley, and it’s just random people singing “SuperFreak.”

Back to the Elimination Station:
Kris: Safe.
Adam: Duh, safe. Take a seat.Glasses Gokey: Simon hated it, the bloggers thought it was a bit harsh. Gokey meditated on it- and he, like, he gets it, you know? Safe.
Anoop: He’s not at the end of the couch (we know the seating chart drill), so he should be safe…but no! Bottom 3!
Allison and Matt: Matt arranged the song himself, thought he did a great job and he is thankful he got the save last week. This week: America agreed with the judges? What?!? Allison is in the Bottom 3? What is wrong with you America? Did you even watch last night’s show?

We need to talk, America. Allison is adorable- look at her in her jeans and sweater combo, young haircut, and how she sings and skips over to Anoop at the Spinny Stools. How can you keep JT, Jr. in this competition and send her home? She’s young, hip and can SING. We’re broken up, America.

Robot-chuleta performs, and it’s nowhere near as tragic as Kellie Pickler’s performance, but he does miss a big note in the bridge. He does a lot of harmless bouncing as he gives the Idols some advice. Allison hugs him. How can you hate her, America?

Anoop and Allison: Anoop is out. Allison is safe! Phew! America, you’re not such an idiot! Oh, Paula! moment: you can hear her screaming/singing over Anoop’s vocals during his Sing Off.

Ryan plays the Home Sweet Home video package for both, and we’re briefly reminded that Lil was brilliant once upon a time, before she ventured into Karaoke Way. Anoop just seems happy to be going back to Chapel Hill. I’m pretty surprised Matt stays, but I think he’s gone next week.

Out: Anoop (Mike) and Lil (Emily)
In it to Win it: Adam (Ryan), Allison (Ashley), Matt (Kim M), Kris (Val)

Also, a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Mom!

Week Seven: In case you forgot, this is a SINGING Competition

Welcome Back, Idol fans! Get ready for a historic night in American Idol Season 8 history- the Top 7 perfor---that’s weird. I feel like we’ve done this before. And we have, last week with the same Top 7. Yawn! I left my notes at home, but I can pretty much call this episode without them: Lil is damned if she does, damned if she don’t, Adam can do no wrong, Kris has the best performance of the night, etc. etc. See, I don’t even need to watch the show anymore (let alone take four pages of notes that I left on the couch for the dogs to eat)!

Seacrest lets us know once again that it is Disco Night, but two contestants will go home Wednesday night. Also, “Disco” means “Donna Summer” songs, as we have three, count ‘em, three tonight. I hope girl is getting paid for this, b/c she performed at last year’s finale and it….was not pretty.

We roll right into Lil Rounds’ performance- no videotape package, no schmaltzy banter. Bravo, Idol! Maybe this show will come in on time for once. We also get to hear from each of the judges again, instead of just Randy/Kara and Paula/Simon. This is not good news for Lil, singing Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman.” Lil is looking pretty great in long hair, less glitter-tastic makeup, and an outfit that hides her ample assets, for once. It still needs a bit of work- as Joy points out, it’s still a jumpsuit, but at least it’s not a studded tank top that could poke your eye out. Lil’s performance was decent, nowhere near last week’s trainwreck, although she cribs quite a bit from Chaka and Whitney. The judges, however, are not amused. Kara points out that Lil has been every woman on stage during this performance; every woman but herself. That’s, like, totally deep, Kara! Sad faced Lil can’t win- she’s not a seasoned performer like Kris or Adam, and can’t mix it up enough to get the judges on her side. However, she does have VoteForTheWorst behind her- she needs to beat out two others, though, to stay in this thing. She knows that American holds her fate in their hands- they dial, they vote, they can keep her in this thing!

Kris sings Donna Summers’ “She Works Hard for the Money,” a song about…a woman…who works hard for her money. Well put, Kris! He does a great acoustic version of this song, guitar, bongos, etc. Kara tells him he took a big risk slowing it down, ditching the disco feel, but it paid off. Paula chimes in, first, that it has a Santana feel, then delves into comedy gold: She knows a lot of women who go shopping in the men’s department, but very few men who go shopping in the women’s department. Oh, Paula! Simon doesn’t care if Kris is buying women’s underpants (Kris shrugs, whatevs, he’s cool like that), but he loved Kris’ originality, and he’s a contender in this competition. Heck yeah, he is!

Go Go Gokey brings the first real “disco” flava to the night w/ some Earth Wind and Fire’s “September.” Awkward white boy dancing, some backup singers who may be singing better than he, great taste, less filling. Here’s the thing: Danny has a great voice. And as Randy constantly points out, this is a SINGING competition (and yet they praise the theatrics of Adam weekly, but I digress), and dude, Danny can SING. But for me, dawg, every song of his sounds the same. I like Danny, but he’s got to bring it next week or my boy Kris is mopping the floor with him.

I was very concerned when Ryan announced that Allison would be singing “Hot Stuff,” which is so much more of an Adam song - potential for lots of screaming, dancing around the stage, campiness, the list goes on. I have no idea what Allison was wearing- a straight jacket, moon shoes? Irregardless, she does a great job with a slightly more rockified, and still completely age-inappropriate, version of the song. The judges don’t love the arrangement, and Randy even calls it “over-indulgent,” which is the new “made it your own,” but they still love her singing. Why? Because this is a…wait for it….SINGING Competition.

Next up, someone who DOES shop in the women’s department, Adam Lambert:

(courtesy Perez, via Ashley D.)

I kid, I kid. But seriously folks, this is the serious side of Adam. We’re not Glammin’ for Adam this week. There’s no Glambert to be found. He’s singing a serious song with a serious voice, a serious suit, and a serious need of a haircut. Seriously? Yes. I had to go on iTunes this morning (Ryan would be so proud!) to see what the original version of “If I Can’t Have You,” from Saturday Night Fever, sounded like. Oh, that song! You’d know it if you heard it. I’ll give you a hint: If I can’t have you, ooo ooo oooooo! Despite my supreme Hateration for Adam, he did a completely new and interesting version of this disco song, and Made It His Own™. The judges love it, even Simon says it’s brillz, original, and immaculate. There’s no question this kid is in the finals. The only question is, who’s with him?

Not Matt Giraud, aka JT, Jr. Hat? Check. Skinny tie? Check. Leather jacket? Falsetto range? Dance biscuits? Check, check, check. Let’s be honest- the judges fault Lil because she dresses and sounds exactly like Tina Turner, Chaka Khan, Whitney, etc., every week, but when Matt Giraud clones Justin Timberlake, it’s okay? It doesn’t really matter, he’s going home tonight no matter what. He sang “Stayin’ Alive,” by the Bee Gees, and while Paula loves it and insists he is staying in the competition, Simon disagrees. I think Matt knows he got the Judges Save last week by sheer luck and pluck, but he’s not making it into the Top 5.

Justin Timberlake or Matt Giraud??

Scruffing it up a bit, Anoop Dogg has the pimp spot and is singing a slightly R&B’d up version of “Dim All the Lights.” Kinda. It’s got an R&B beat, but the vocals are more Lite Rock 97. He also totally flubs the last note (lucky for him they use the dress rehearsal version where he nails it in the phone number recap video). Randy, again, ever the original, tells Anoop that this is a SINGING competition (for everyone but Adam) and that, YO, he can SING. Yes, Randy, WE GET IT. Paula loves a man who can wear pink, loves his smile, and oh yeah, he can sing. Simon was watching a completely different show tonight, because he thought it was mediocre and Anoop’s worst performance yet. Was it “True Colors?” No. Did he have room to improve? Yes. Is he going home? Eh, maybe.

And the show ends on time, tonight, for the first time in weeks! Tomorrow, Archuletta sings- will he sing from the Teenage Girl Zombie Wasteland Pit of Doom? Who goes to the spinny stools? We find out….tonight!

Who’s Out: Lil and Matt
MIYO count: 0
SINGING Competition count: 4

Week Six Elimination: Maniacs, I tell ya, Maniacs

And we’re back for the elimination show! Seven Idols left…who will it be?

I always manage to turn Idol on late on Wednesdays, so I’ve sadly missed the Pimp my Ford Ride commercials for four or five weeks, but I caught tonight’s. And yet, I wish I hadn’t.

Group Sing- Paula and Kara are super pumped (super pumped for the whole show, really, are they drunk? Clearly Paula is every week. Is Kara?) for the song- “Maniac” from Flashdance. Every Idol gets a solo and I have to say Matt was pretty terrific in it. This is the first time I’ve seen him where he had some lead singer charisma. Then there’s Adam, making dirty eyes at America from the balcony. Eww. Sorry Val, I’m not Glammin’ for Adam.

To continue to movie theme/shilling for corporate America, the Idols go to a real life movie premiere! They go to see “Big,” starring Tom Hanks and…wait, this looks like “Big.” It sounds like “Big.” It’s not “Big?” No, it’s “17 Again,” which is like “Big,” but now with more High School Musical dance numbers. We cut back to the studio, again the Idols are hamming it up, “zOMG! We saw Zac Efron!” He’s in the audience, too….he didn’t have time to shower? National television, promoting your new movie which is certain to be comedy gold, and…you can’t take five minutes to shower? I realize his hair probably takes longer than mine to style in the morning, but I’m sure Adam would have volunteered to help him out.

And finally- dim the lights, it’s time to send someone to the Spinny Chairs!
Allison: Safe.
Adam: Obvs safe. There is also a Rocky Horror joke (again, would be AWESOME).
Anoop: Ryan talks to him about being in the bottom three before, will he be there again….Anoop is clearly annoyed at the Safe/Not Safe banter. Here is what my dad texted me: “What Anoop was really saying: Come on Ryan, quit (messing) me around, you little (can we say “prick” on work email?).” And Anoop is….Bottom 3.

JHud sings some slow ballad, and you know everyone is thinking about the elephant in the room, though it is not brought up. Irregardless, who doesn’t love Jennifer Hudson? She has such shiny hair!

Kris: Simon butts in to tell Kris that they didn’t get a chance to talk last night, but Kris was brilliant. Naturally! Ryan says he can sit down, and Kris does this super cute thing, Here? Or in the Spinny Chairs of Doom? Awwwww.
Lil: Bottom 3. No surprise.
Matt and Danny: We get a Made It Your Own™ tonight! And the look on Danny’s face when he momentarily thinks he’s out before Ryan says, “You are…………………safe.” is priceless. You know Danny is thinking, “ME? Out? No way, I’m way better than the rest of these poor young schmucks!”

Matt, Lil and Anoop hit center stage, and Anoop is safe, and lives to sing tender ballads another week.

Miley Cyrus sings some big song from her new movie- there are prom dresses, guys in hats, lots of billowing smoke, and a whole lotta off-key singing. Dad called her a robot- “You can see the power pack on her back!” So true, so true. Ryan sends us to the break but…..the cameras don’t stop rolling. Nice one, Ry.

Bottom two: Lil and Matt. Ryan has kind of mean streak in him, because he asks Simon- the least lovable judge of the bunch- if he would use a Judges’ Save tonight on one of the contestants. Simon says they might, but not on the one you’d expect. Ryan says, “So that’d be Lil?” Simon, “Yes.” Good luck, Matt. You can kiss that save goodbye! Or can he??? America has voted: Lil is safe, and Matt has to sing to save his spot. Kara and Paula sway wildly to the song, Paula does a lasso move to Matt…it’s weird. Matt does a much better job singing without the piano and the bad orchestration, although he does wander down into the Mosh Pit of Despair. Much conferring on the part of the judges- Randy, Paula and Kara clearly want to use their save tonight, but Simon brings them crashing down by telling Matt he doesn’t have a shot in heck to win this competition, why should they waste it on him? And yet, Simon tells Matt that he has good news, he’s safe for one more week (then clearly he and Lil are going packing).

Simon wraps us the show thusly: The first piece of bad news- two people go home next week. Second piece of bad news- Next week is Disco Week.”

AWESOME. Bring it on!

Week Six: Are you read for Movie Night, America?

Because Ryan is! He tells us that girls talk too much and that’s why the show ran over last week, so instead, this week, only two judges can critique any one contestant. Oh, Ryan! Stop macking on the contestants (he later asks Anoop if he sang the song to a special someone…you know Ryan wants to be that special someone!) and the show would be half as long.

And now onto the theme….A Night at The Movies. It’s like Prom! Except with creepy Quentin Tarantino. Taking a page from Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers: Really, American Idol, really? Because when I think “movie theme music,” I definitely think Quentin Tarantino. Forget John Williams, Randy Newman, Alan Menken, Diane Warren, anyone with a song on tonight’s show, or anyone who can actually sing. Bonus moment: Combover much?

First up, Allison Iraheta singing Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” from Armageddon. This is one of my least favorite songs ever but I thought she did a’ight. Paula compared her to Adam’s special sauce (barbeque!) and Simon says she’s the girls’ only hope to win this thing. Sorry Lil!

I had the same reaction Randy did to Anoop Dogg singing “Everything I Do (I Do It For You) (yeah, I know the parenthetical title!).” I am not ashamed to admit I know this song by heart and have loved it since seventh grade, so when I heard Anoop was going to try to match soulful singer/guitarist/rocker/Canadian Bryan Adams’ performance, I thought, “NO WAY!” But he worked it out! Randy began to say that Anoop Made It His Own™ but stopped just short.
Made It Your Own™ tally: .5

Stage lights? Check. Tight pants? Check. Guy liner? Check. Must be Adam Lambert! He camps up “Born to Be Wild” from Easy Rider, and Simon compares it to Rocky Horror Picture Show. Which? WOULD BE AWESOME. Here’s the thing though, dawg, I would have really liked to see Adam take a non-campified song like “Everything I Do” and mix it up. Anyone could take “Born to Be Wild,” throw on some leather pants, flash the stage lights around, stick their tongue out, and dazzle Simon (not that the other milquetoast contestants on this show have the cajones to do that, but I digress…). But I want to see Adam really Make It His Own™!

The teaser for After The Break shows Matt Giraud standing down in the Mosh Pit of the crowd, also known as You Will Be in the Bottom Three if You Sing From Here Pit. But wait! He instead plays the piano for another Bryan Adams song, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman.” It starts out awesome, and I’m like, ooooh, I likee! But then the band comes in and he sucks and then there’s a high note….It’s not good. I left my notes at home so I don’t know what the judges said, but I’m pretty sure Simon was making faces at Kara while she was politely telling him it sucked. See? It’s funny when only two judges talk and the one who REALLY hated it can’t say anything at all!

Go Go Gokey does a mediocre performance of “Endless Love,” and we get a Make It Your Own™ …but for someone from last season! Burn! Simon says that when David Cook did a song like that year, he made it a David Cook song, not just a pretty song. But clearly they love Danny and want him in the finals so they tell him he’s adorable without glasses, looks like he’s lost weight, and let him go on his merry way. Most of that is true.
Made It Your Own™ tally: 1.5

Be still my heart, what is Kris singing? “Falling Slowly,” an amazing but unknown ballad from the amazingly talented Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova? What, you missed it at last year’s Oscars? It’s okay, I have three versions on my iPod. Go Kris! (Full disclosure: I wish he would have done this a capella because it would have been better than the weird swell of the orchestra, but Kris can do no wrong with me.) Randy thought it was just okay, but Kara knows where it’s at and loved it. Yay!

Oh, Lil. This sucked from the minute you started singing and you knew it. You could see the tears in her over-glittered eyes as she realized she was off-key, off-tempo, and drowning in a sea of suck. Simon spared nothing in his critique of Lil- but she was having none of it. She snarked back about how she tried to make it her own (lil R&B, lil gospel, lot of suck), even though it was a (GASP) Bette Midler song. Girl….do not diss Bette. I have seen her in person (tenth row!) and she will cut you. Just sayin’.

The show runs over yet again, even with half the snark. Tomorrow night? Lil goes home, fo’ sho.

a note from a coworker

We have an American Idol pool at work- last year, I started writing pithy recaps on Thursday to alert everyone to who had gotten kicked off, and who was still in the competition. I started again this year, during the Top 36, but kind of half-assed it, because, well, I have a life and can't always be home on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. This was UNACCEPTABLE. To wit:

Dear Laura B:

I was very excited to find out that you were repeating your American Idol pool this year, and eagerly paid my dues and selected my contestant.
However, I have to admit that I am sorely disappointed in the lack of witty updates which made this contest so interesting in previous years.
Half the fun of the competition, especially for those of us who picked losers, was reading your humorous recaps each week after the votes were announced.

I sincerely hope you reconsider you decision to cease your updates.
If not, I may have to reconsider taking part in the pool again in the future.

Best regards,
-concerned coworker

So if there are a few weeks missing here or there, that's why. I have rectified this egregious error and am writing recaps weekly from now on!

Week Five: The search is over for the world's worst contestant

It has been brought to my attention that I may have (again) been a bit remiss in my hilarious-recap-writing duties. I apologize for this oversight! It seemed more prudent to do some work, umm….at work, than to fritter away some hours on American Idol. Also, my girl got kicked off two weeks ago and I am still bitter. Alexis, you rock, girl!

Tuesday night:
Elite 8! Go Tarheels! No, wait. I had Louisville vs. Oklahoma, so the Tarheels can suck it.

The theme for the night was singing songs from the year the contestants were born. Go Go Gokey went first, as he is the ancient one of the group, a whopping 29 years old this month. Did anyone else feel crazy old during this theme week? Danny sang a cover version of “Stand By Me.” The judges like it, he made it his own, etc.

My Future Boyfriend Kris sang “All She Wants To Do is Dance,” while dancing in the Idol Mosh Pit down front. Did he learn nothing from Matt Giraud’s misstep in this arena? That singing/playing your instrument while surrounded by teenage girls is not only illegal, but something the judges despise? Silly Kris. I fear you are going home Wednesday night! Don’t leave me!

Lil Rounds clears up some misconceptions on her name (not short for “Little”) and looks rocking in a Tina Turner get-up, which means she’s singing some Tina this week. The judges, however, hate it. Paula calls it “beautiful karaoke.” Ouch. She looks piiiiiiiiissed. Do not cross Lil Rounds. Just sayin’.

Ryan brings Anoop up on stage, and after much “go NC!-ing” between the two (yeah right, Ryan, like you picked them in your bracket), he apologizes to Kara for acting like a smug brat last week. Which is out of the ordinary how? He does bust out some Cyndi Lauper with “True Colors,” although I wished he’d gone all a capella like Andy Bernard would have. But again, he made it his own, one of the best of the night, etc etc.

Scott comes up and does a horrible, very blind interpretation of “The Search is Over.” Is this a hair band song? They politely tell him that he sucked.

Next up: Allison Iraheta, born in 1992, sings a completely age-inappropriate song by Reba McIntyre, but again “made it her own.” I need to have a “Made it Your Own” tally going. Tally: 6 (3 who did, 3 who were told they did not)

The show is running perilously close to 9pm, and keep in mind I watched AI while cycling/ellipticalling at the gym Tuesday night so I was freaking exhausted by the time the whole show finished. I will admit that I skipped Matt Giraud’s performance to watch some Biggest Loser, but apparently it was Fantastic! Amazing! And He Made It His Own! (MIYO:7)

Then, after one final break, He Who Shall Not Be Named came out and gave another wacky (I say, indulgent) performance, this time of “Mad World.” I will point out that he did not entirely make it his own, b/c this version is in Donnie Darko and it’s not like he pulled it out of his own (glittery guy-linered) hat. Simon gave it a standing ovation. He also looks like he wants to make out with Adam, and you can see the dollar signs from future record sales cha-chinging in his eyes.

Wednesday Night:
Remember when the elimination show was half an hour long, and they only had, like, two “after the breaks” to deal with? Now we have ten. I’ll admit, I was doing the dishes during most of this episode (there were that many), but it included:
-Frankie Avalon singing???? Does anyone even know who Frankie Avalon is, besides that one time he was on Full House back in the day?
-Behind the Scenes: Making of a Ford Commercial
-Ford Commercial
-Flo Rida “singing,” by which I truly mean, “pimping his album and tour.” Also, I really thought his name was pronounced Flow-Reeeda, like the state, until, like, this morning.
-Kellie Pickler singing, along with unhilarious antics (Calimari! High Heels!)
-And oh yeah, someone got eliminated.

Adam was clearly safe, despite the show running over and his Idol phone# not being on TV. Kris was on the bubble, but phew! Lives to sing again. Anoop was in the bottom three, as was Scott and Lil. What, Lil?!? Didn’t everyone pick her to win?

Lil is safe, Anoop is safe, but Scott is going home. He does a slightly less awkward, and thankfully, electric guitar-less performance of his song, and the judges debate for about five minutes whether or not to keep him. Clearly, Paula and Kara love him, but in the end, Simon mercifully pulls the plug and cuts him loose. Stay classy, Scott!

Out: Scott
Still in: Adam, Allison Iraheta, Anoop, Danny Gokey, Kris Allen, Lil Rounds, Matt Giraud
MIYO(TM) count: 7